For some reason Defra's Caroline Spelman has declined my invitation to talk about tortoises and whether they are "normally domesticated" or "not normally domesticated" for the purposes of the Zoo Licencing Act 1981.
It really is a mystery as to how or why tortoises were left off a long list of animals detailed in the Act. When it comes to reindeer and ostriches, and ferrets and gerbils, we know precisely what to do with them. But not tortoises.
Defra tells me the department has no plans to legislate to clear this up so the next Queen's speech is unlikely to include much on tortoises. "It could be a matter for the courts," he says. "But really it's up to the local authority. It's a judgement call."
I shall resist the temptation to joke about how tortoise policy develops only very slowly, or how when faced with difficult questions politicians retreat into their shells.
But who is to blame? Well the Zoo Licencing Act was done in 1981 so I suppose we could pin it all on Margaret Thatcher. Seems a bit harsh. Nevertheless "who has political control of tortoises in Cornwall in 2010?" is clearly an urgent and pressing question.
Step forward, therefore, Bodmin councillor Lance Kennedy - who is Cornwall's cabinet member for Community Safety and Neighbourhoods. According to the government, it's his department at County Hall which has the authority to define a tortoise. I'll bet he's thrilled.
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